


Claude Von Riegan Must Die

by XavierTeatime



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:15:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22934650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XavierTeatime/pseuds/XavierTeatime
Summary: Claude and Flayn have been developing a romantic relationship with each other.Flayn feels it's time to tell Seteth.He reacts about as well as can be expected.
Relationships: Flayn/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54





	Claude Von Riegan Must Die

Claude slowly lowered the book he had been reading, and looked up at Flayn.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m going to need you to say that again.”

Flayn, hands on her hips and cheeks puffed out, was clearly trying to radiate an aura of annoyance, but Claude couldn’t help but find her exclusively adorable.

“I said,” she began, speaking softly and slowly, “that we should tell my brother. About us.”

Claude placed a bookmark to keep his spot, closed the book, and set it aside. “See, I know each of those words individually, but put them together in that order, and they just don’t make any sense. You’re not seriously--”

Flayn melodramatically threw herself onto the couch where he was seated, resting her head on his lap. “We have been romantically entangled for months now, Claude! We have even engaged in the most illicit of carnal pleasures!”

“Uhh--”

“Holding hands!”

“Huh.”

“I just grow so weary of all the hiding and sneaking about. I understand that my brother can be intimidating, and overbearing, but--”

“Yes, he is both of those things,” Claude interrupted. “And also I have literally heard him threaten to murder anyone who corrupts you with aforementioned ‘carnal pleasures,’ so I think we should also take that into consideration.”

“Okay, yes, but--”

“Also, what’s so bad about hiding and sneaking? I love hiding and sneaking!” Claude leaned down and placed a quick, soft kiss upon Flayn’s forehead. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m very good at it. Even I don’t know where I am half the time.”

Flayn sighed. She reached up with both hands and grabbed Claude’s cheeks, forcing him to maintain eye contact with her. “I wish to one day partake in the activities couples are able to do in public! You know, have a romantic picnic, frolic through the falling cherry blossoms on a crisp autumn morning, have group dates with our friends who are also couples! There’s more to life than snuggling behind closed doors, always ready to leap out a window at a moment's notice!”

“Again, you’re trash talking one of my favorite hobbies. Don’t knock a good window leap until you try it,” Claude shot back. But Flayn’s wide, pleading eyes were boring a hole straight through his skull. It was so intense he worried the wall behind him would fall in love with her.

“Nnnn--” he said.

“Yyyy--” Flayn retorted.

“Nnn--”

“Yyy--”

“Yyy--”

“Yyyeeessss…”

“Yes,” Claude said with a defeated sigh. “So what’s the game plan?”

“Game plan?” Flayn responded, confused.

“What you are proposing,” Claude explained, “is a gambit on par with assaulting Enbarr. A frontal charge ain’t gonna cut it. We’re going to need allies.”

“Ahh, I believe I understand what you mean,” Flayn said. “We invite several people together, not just my brother, and reveal our relationship to all of them. That way, it will be too socially awkward for Seteth to murder you in front of them.”

“R-right,” Claude said, nodding slowly, a bit perturbed at how casually Flayn was still treating the concept of his being murdered.

Flayn stood up, leaned forward, and planted a kiss of her own upon Claude’s forehead. “I will assemble the guest list. You just shave and wash up, so as to be at your most presentable.”

Claude rubbed his thin, chinstrap beard, which he thought was perfectly well-kept. “Huh…”

Before leaving the room, Flayn turned back to him. “Soon, we will be able to act as normal adults in public. Oh, it will be so grand!”

“Right...normal...yeah, I love normalcy…” Claude mumbled to himself after she had left. He picked up his book, titled ‘How to Win Friends and Poison Enemies,’ and resumed reading where he had left off.

A few days later, quite a few members of the gang had gathered in the dining hall of Garreg Mach Monastery. Flayn was so excited by the whole ordeal that she had even attempted to cook something, so there was a nice plate of charred, blackened hor dourves for everyone to ignore.

Flayn was making polite conversation with Hilda. Lysithea approached them, eating a handful of cookies.

“Wow, Flayn, you even baked cookies for this event?” Hilda asked.

“No, I brought these from home,” Lysithea explained, finishing them off. “Oh, I...guess I could have offered you some...sorry.”

“It is quite alright!” Flayn responded, cheerfully. “Your presence is more than enough. It feels like, with all these days of battle and war, we have not had time to truly relax and enjoy each other’s company, isn’t that right?”

“I dunno, I always seem to find time to relax!” Hilda replied with a shrug.

“Yes, including when it’s your turn to help out with work around here,” Lysithea sighed.

“Hey, what’s the occasion for all this, anyway?” Hilda asked Flayn, fully ignoring Lysithea’s reprimand. “You mentioned something about having some good news to share?”

Flayn looked around the room to see who was here. Claude was not particularly enjoying himself in a conversation with Lorenz and Ferdinand, the two of whom seemed to have entered a Glories-Of-Nobility feedback loop. Raphael and Leonie were arm wrestling, caught in an apparent dead heat. Ignatz, Marianne, and Bernadetta were sitting at another table politely chatting with each other.

Finally, the doors from the courtyard swung open, and in walked the last two invitees, Byleth and Seteth, deep in quiet discussion, likely about some serious matter such as the war or Rhea or the state of the church.

“Ahh!” Flayn shouted out, immediately grabbing everyone’s attention, including the Professor’s and her brother’s. She was a bit embarrassed by that outburst, and suddenly realized that maybe Claude had a point and this was a really terrible idea.

“Flayn, are you alright?” Seteth asked, approaching them. “You just shouted out, as if you were in pain. Do you have a cramp? Did you attempt to swim too soon after eating? You know you must wait at least three--”

“N-no, I am quite fine, b-brother! In fact, I am very great!! Hahaha!!!!!!”

Noticing the waves of panic radiating off of Flayn, Claude forcefully disengaged himself from the Lorenz/Ferdinand ouroboros of nobility self-congratulation, and rushed to stand by her side.

“Hey, Seteth! Hey, Teach,” Claude said, as slick and smooth as ever. “Hey did either of you get a chance to try the hors dourves Flayn here cooked up? I told her about how blackened to a crisp is the culinary rave in Derdriu right now, but she’s all nervous thinking they didn’t come out great. Yes, that is the sole reason for her nerves.”

“Claude?” Byleth said.

“Anyway, how have you two been? I feel like we don’t talk enough about things not relating to the war. Read any good books lately? Seen any good plays?”

“Claude?” Byleth said again.

“I remember seeing this play once back when I was a kid, well it wasn’t so much a play as it was a puppet show, but one of the puppets had this little mallet he would use to smack the other puppet over the head. It was really a hoot, you should see it if you ever get the chance. Though now that I think about it the target audience was probably five-year-olds, which would make sense, since I was five years old when I saw it.”

“Claude.”

“What’s up, Teach?”

Byleth was looking at him with his typical expression of detached curiosity, but his eyes quickly shot downwards and back up. Claude followed his gaze and saw that, when he had rushed over to intercept on Flayn’s behalf, he had instinctively grasped her hand. She had been holding it tightly the entire time he rambled on.

He looked from their interwoven hands, up to her nerve-wracked face, over to Byleth’s wryly amused face, and over to Seteth.

Who was shaking.

“Okay,” Claude said, slowly. He was aware that every eye in the room was on him. “I can explain this. You see, it’s an Ancient Almyran trick to prevent hand cramping among archers--”

Seteth, without saying a word, turned around and left the dining hall.

“Okay!” Claude announced, turning back to Flayn. “I think he took that well. Honestly, better than expected. I feel really good about this.”

“Wait...are you two dating!?” Hilda asked, her voice filled with excitement.

“...Yes,” Flayn said, slowly.

“Whoa! Congratulations!” Lysithea added, finishing off a cupcake.

“Wait, where did you get a--” Hilda began to ask her.

“Ahh, Claude, I didn’t think you had it in you!” Lorenz said, coming over and slapping his reluctant comrade-in-arms on the back. “I’ve always said that finding a suitable mate is a critical task for any noble, and as the future leader of the Alliance, your loins are extra crucial to the social order.”

“Wow, never say the word loins to me or around me ever again,” Claude replied. “But, uh, thanks, I think.”

The entire group had now surrounded them, chattering away with congratulations and questions. Flayn and Claude squeezed their hands tighter together. Well, this wasn’t so--

The door to the common room swung open again. A crash of thunder blared overhead, a storm having apparently begun just moments ago. Lightning framed the form in the doorway.

Seteth strode forward, soaking wet, blade in hand.

“Okay, I get it,” Claude said. “You’re making a point about how I better not hurt your little sister. And, really, don’t worry, I read you loud and clear, I’ll take great care of her, I would never do anything to break her heart, your message is well received, so you can stop advancing towards me now, he’s not stopping, holy shit I’m going to die.”

Byleth grabbed Seteth around the waist in an attempt to stop his approach, but Seteth brought up an elbow hit the Professor hard under the chin, weakening his grip. The others who had been crowded around Claude and Flayn also attempted to intervene.

Raphael set himself up as a human brick wall in his path, but Seteth grasped the sheath for his sword off his back and swung it like a club at the large man’s legs. There was a crack, and Raphael stumbled forward, landing directly into a rising knee of Seteth’s. The devastating attack left him laying on his back, groaning in pain. Leonie came charging at him, shouting gleefully at the challenge, and grappled him around the chest, pinning his arms to his side. They struggled bitterly for a moment, while Lorenz made an attempt to grab his legs and pull him down to the ground. Seteth thrust his forehead forward, smacking into Leonie’s nose. Her head snapped back, blood streaming down it. Seteth twisted his stance, allowing himself to kick Lorenz off, and he brought a now freed fist around to slam into the top of his head when he attempted to stand back up. Spinning around, he extended an open palm into the throat of Ferdinand who was the latest to make a mad charge for him.

With five of his colleagues on the ground around him, Seteth looked around to see if any others would attempt an attack. Ignatz, Marianne, and Bernadetta seemed to have decided, correctly, that there was no advantage to joining that fray.

He turned back, but Claude was gone.

“Brother, this is madness!” Flayn snapped at him. “Claude and I are both adults! Consenting adults! Consenting to the beautiful human emotion known as affection! He is smart and kind! We are cute together! It’s very sweet! We feed each other fruit, like adults in romantic relationships do, according to several books I’ve read on the subject! Sometimes he’s playful and squirts the fruits at me instead of feeding them to me, and it makes me laugh! Yes, brother, he popped my cherry, and I am NOT ashamed to say it!”

Seteth ignored her and strode past, kicking open the back doors of the dining hall and striding out into the rain.

Sword raised in the air, he called out, “VON RIEGAN! WHERE ARE YOU?”

“Never heard of him!” called back Claude’s unmistakable voice from somewhere in the rain. Curse this weather, Seteth thought. Where is he…

He sensed something out of the corner of his left eye. An arrow whizzing towards him. Seteth swung his sword to the side, cutting it down in mid-air.

“Oh, man, that was weird!” came Claude’s voice, but it seemed to be from an entirely different direction than the arrow just came from. “That arrow just came out of nowhere. I’ve never seen that happen before!”

“I just want to talk, Von Riegan!” Seteth cried out. “Just a polite conversation between two men! Will you not accept my invitation?”

Another arrow, this time from the opposite side, was chopped down before it could reach him.

“Social calendar is filled up I’m afraid!” Claude’s voice came echoing back. “Sorry, you know how Teach is about his teatimes, miss one of those and you’ll never get invited back.”

Pinpointing the location of his voice, Seteth charged forward, blade drawn back, ready to strike--

And tripped over a thin wire that had been strung up, sending him hurtling into the fishing pond. He thrashed about a bit, accidentally creating a few fish fillets in the process, but eventually made his way back to the dock. Sword still gripped in his right hand, he pushed himself back up onto dry land, teeth chattering from the ice cold water.

“COME BACK HERE!” he screamed, charging forward once more. A shadowy figure was now retreating to the northeast.

“Seteth, come on! Can’t we just talk about this?” Claude pleaded. Another arrow was shot backwards, which Seteth easily avoided with a tilt of his head.

“We could talk much easier if you’d stop shooting at me!” Seteth replied.

“But if I stop shooting at you you’re going to stab me!”

“We could talk much easier if you’d let me stab you!” Seteth screamed.

Claude’s silhouette had disappeared, but the stables were up ahead. Seteth slowed his pace in order to approach more quietly, and entered them.

He made his way down the line of horse stalls, slowly, silently, head bowed to see under the doors for any sign of human feet.

Apparently, he should have been looking up.

“Ahem,” Claude said, clutching to a wooden post up by the ceiling. As Seteth looked up, Claude leapt on him, and together they fell into what could politely be referred to as fresh manure but more accurately be referred to as a big pile of shit.

“Augh! You horrible little miscreant!” Seteth yelled, as Claude pinned his arms to the ground. “What makes you think a scheming twerp like you is anywhere near good enough for Flayn? You’re literally the worst possible match for her I can imagine!”

“What makes me think I’m good enough for her!?” Claude shot back, gritting his teeth as they struggled. Goddess this dude was strong. “First of all, I don’t! Flayn is an honest-to-goodness angel and I would never presume to deserve her! But she seems to like me! And that’s good enough for me! It’s too bad it’s not good enough for you!”

“It is not good enough for me! Now let me go!” Seteth managed to bring a knee up into a very sensitive area of Claude’s, gaining the upper hand. The fierce battle continued as they rolled about on the floor of the stall. Seteth found himself on top, and began raining punches down upon Claude’s arms that he held up to protect his face.

“Look, I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time since your wife died!” Claude managed to shout up through the flurry. “But just because you’re not happy doesn’t mean Flayn has to be unhappy too!”

“She’s all I have left!” Seteth was screaming. “You will not take her away from me! You will not--”

There was an odd sound like a pipe being smacked into a sack of potatoes, and suddenly Claude felt the sweet relief of not being punched repeatedly. He looked around to see Seteth curled up on the ground next to him. Tilting his head the other direction, he saw Flayn, holding a lance, that she had apparently used like a bat to knock her own brother out.

“Flayn,” Claude mumbled, softly. “Come closer...I must tell you something, yet I am...so weak…”

Flayn rushed to his side, and knelt down next to him. Grasping Claude’s hand, she looked into his eyes. “What is it? I’m so sorry, Claude. I’m so--”

“Closer…” Claude croaked.

Flayn scooched slightly closer.

“Good,” Claude said. “I wanted to tell you that...you just knelt...in horse shit,” he said, and started laughing. Flayn smacked him.

It was a busy evening in the infirmary as everyone had their wounds tended to. At Byleth’s suggestion, Seteth had been given a rather heavier dosage of medication, which seemed to be keeping him docile so far.

“Oh look...a little baby dolphin...come here, little dolphin…” he was saying to a blank wall from the cot where he was recovering.

“Okay, maybe we could have eased him into that better,” Flayn admitted, standing alongside Claude’s cot. “Instead of springing this on him in front of everyone, I’ll...have a long talk with him. In private.”

Claude reached out and grabbed her hand. “Not completely in private. I’ll be there too.”

“But...Claude, he almost killed you. Not just that he wanted to, I mean he clearly would have had I not intervened. He is obviously much stronger than you.”

“Okay, don’t rub it in.”

“You really should intensify your training.”

“Thanks, dear.”

“Perhaps let Raphael teach you how to not be quite so scrawny.”

“I love you too.”

Flayn smiled, leaned down, and kissed him.

“Ow,” Claude said when they separated.

“Oh, shut up, that did not hurt.”

“Anyway...I’ll be there when you talk to him. I should be. I can’t run from him forever. We’ll face this, just like we’ll face all the other challenges life throws at us. Together.”

“Oh, the dolphin is flying...who taught you how to do that, little dolphin…”

“And, like all those other challenges, it can wait until tomorrow.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed this little piece of madness I whipped together in like an hour. If you would like to see more from my interpretations of these characters, please check out my longer, in-progress fic, The Von Riegan Gang. <3


End file.
